Monday, June 29, 2009

Greta: Interrupted

We didn't want to believe it. Who would? A puppy, little more than an infant, possessed of a dark secret the world wasn't ready to know. Behind those sweet brown eyes, wide and innocent and capable of bringing the staunchest of cat-lovers to their knees, lurks a monster.Concerned citizen Brandon Evans was able to snap a photo of the beast unleashed during an unguarded moment. Looking at the picture, we realized the situation was much more dire than we had originally realized. We knew Greta sometimes played with her chew toys right next to our furniture for the sole purpose of chewing it to shreds the moment our backs were turned. We did not realize she had harnessed the power of electricity to shoot lightning out of her eyes and across her teeth--500,000 volts of raw energy that could kill an adult rhinoceros and still have enough power left over to light Columbus for eons. We attempted to convince Greta to use her electric "personality" for Green purposes: to actually light a city, to solve the recession, or to destroy conservative radio show personalities but she refused. Then she turned her powers on us.
Using flimsy cookie sheets to deflect the terrible burning rays we screamed for help. No one would come. Who could blame them.
After a near miss singed off Brandon's trademark beard, Anne became angry.
"No one messes with my man's facial hair but me!" She screamed, her eyes generating some sparks of their own.
Greta turned her eyebeams on full blast and prepared to blow her adoptive mother away, but Anne's cold stare penetrated Greta's ruthless psyche. A moment's hesitation was all it took:

Quick as a flash, Brandon and Anne grabbed the yellow '70s-era couch which they had been clever enough to pick up from the side of the road some years previously. SLAM! They threw it down on the spot where Greta stood, a last-ditch effort to end her murderous spree. When the dust cleared, Greta was trapped (uninjured--this is a family blog, after all) beneath the sprawling couch.

After a lengthy time out, Greta was released and taken to Puppy Kindergarten, where she will enjoy regular extensive therapy, as well as learn that art can be a positive outlet for her negative energy. Anne and Brandon have to find a new couch. And cookie sheets.



Esther said...

hahaha Sounds like you're having the same kind of puppy problems I am... except our Lemon doesn't shoot electricity through her eyes and across her teeth. I just cleaned the entire house and washed the floors because she has the power to urinate at will, wherever she is and make everything stink. Do you have a number for this puppy kindergarten?

Anne said...

well, it's at Ohio State're welcome to come and visit though. Tell me about Lemon!

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